Yesterday marked my first whole year from cutting! My parents put a lot of effort into a 3-course meal and dessert to celebrate also taping a $15 iTunes gift card too!
In a tight time in our finances, I know this was an expensive meal, and appreciated this all the more. The whole thing touched me so much that when I left the room, I was crying a little.
Thankee, mum and daddy. You have no idea how much this touched me! I love you both!
Luceo non uro,
Ari J Schaffer
Well, today, I am celebrating 11 months being clean. It is amazing to look at my scars and see them as they are... scars that have healed over and be able to be at peace with them. God has brought me out of a great darkness, but this only makes me want to release my other addictions with food and pornography even more. I will be honest, I have not let go of what kept me cutting to begin with and I really long to... My bitterness, hurt and rage towards myself and friends makes it difficult to continue in my recovery. Keep me in your prayers, please, my friends...
Luceo Non Uro,
by Arianna Joy Schaffer
It's hard to rest after today
The clock ticks as the minutes go by
It's past midnight and I can't even say
Just exactly how I feel tonight
You read… Read More
Well, I have been thinking about the fact that many of my friends have been telling me that they believe God can cure me of my mental illness. And I know this is well intended, however I'd like to emphasize that just because God can do something does not mean he will. Sometimes, God uses these flames (illnesses) to sharpen us in his forge.
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight
Heyuu m'loverlies! Lately has been dedicated to finding replacement coping skills and working towards improving my crafts and arts! It has also been dedicating myself to widening my circle of fellowship. In these days I have focused my skills in writing music, lyrics, poetry, and stories, also in drawing, crafting and seeking out new music bands.
My skills now include:
3. Colouring pages
4. Writing with a fountain pen
5. Writing songs
6. Listening to songs
7. Reading scripture
What are the skills that help you guys throughout your anxiety, depression or the sort?
And on a side note: I have broadened my circle and made new friends, and though I love to make brand new friends, I miss the ones I've known longer... And I hope to see them again... But at this time, I am glad that things continue well...Read More
Hey, y'all! I'll be honest, I've been avoiding this ministry with a passion. Not only this ministry, but God. I sought a life of rebellion. Much of it I wish not to post in too much detail, at this time. I have a lot to be honest about with a few people before I post it publicly on this ministry. Anyhow, I am back in gear and allowing God to have me fully once more.
What changed my mind? Well, several things, but the last thing that hit me hard enough to finally rev me up was Celebrate Recovery for this evening... There was a touring band called The Shine Effect there today who gave their testimonies which quickened me once more. Much of what happened in their lives was where I was at that very moment, and I had to wake myself up, change my mind about God, and… Read More
Yes, that is me. Perfectionist in recovery. I had to start working on it because it was ruining my life. Sometimes I have to say "good enough is good enough" and move on, no matter how much it pains me. So, I make the tough decisions when the dividend is not worth the incredible amount of angst and toil that I go through to get it. When I first returned to college after quite the hiatus, I would get upset over missing a question or two on a quiz. This perfectionist tendency makes the stress almost unbearable. However, I persisted in being upset if I didn't do a perfect job, which means 100% of the points. After my second term, I realized that a mid-A works as well as a high, or perfect, A. Did it still bother me when I did less than perfection? Yes, but the feeling was… Read More
Well, well, well... LIGHTforMI has been AWOL for a while, haven't we? Life just got busy and emergencies cropped up. We are fairly settled in and everything is unfurling well. But, anyhoo... I wanted to tell you guys that I started going to New Day Clubhouse , working in the administrative unit ! Life has gotten easier to cope with. Not perfect, but, I am glad to say that I am not allowing myself to stay home too much. :) Meanwhile, I have started many projects in arts, crafting and writing and music as my coping skills... We will be sure to update as soon as we are able, but at this time, I am unsure of where to begin... God bless y'all!
'twas a difficult time for me, this month... I have been seriously struggling with my depression. What with losing three friends and having horrific nightmares. I've gotten back into an old obsession-- the anime show; Naruto. When watching the linked scene, it pierced through my heart... "You even rejected the one who tried to help you..." When Gaara was weeping that, I felt like God was speaking to me through that video... It helped me to realize that Jesus is weeping that. I've grieved him greatly.
I constantly gave into my addiction to porn and eroticas and cut a lot but that image of tears in Gaara's eyes reminded me of Jesus. Of course, I know that might sound silly... but God uses all my media choices to reveal images to me. I've gone 7 days without looking at eroticas and porn. Also… Read More
Well, Hello world! Been silent over in LIGHTforMI lately, huh? To be bluntly honest, I have been trying to avoid this entire idea of towing the line of continuing a ministry about mental illness on my own while my mother was in college. In fact, I actually didn't want to continue in the ministry at all. I was kind of falling away from my own therapy and use of coping skills... And so, I thought in light of this truth, I'd talk about what therapeutic skills have helped me personally when depressed.
Where have we been? I guess I could say that I have been dealing with the aftermath of my daughter's suicide attempt. Missed that ? It was a rough ordeal that I couldn't write about until she announced it. Am I over it? No. Am I dealing with it? Yes. Constructively? I think so. I hope so. January has already flown by, and we are in the midst of February. Time sure flies by when you're having fun.
I'm not going to be blogging very much in the next few months. I'll blog when I get the chance. Hopefully Arianna will keep everyone informed. Why? Well, I went back to college to try to complete a degree in Information Technology, Web Development concentration. It keeps me on my toes, and I'm learning a lot. Prayers would be appreciated.
Do you or a family member suffer from mental illness? How do you… Read More
'Twas a rough year, but it was good year. God was with me through it all... If He wasn't, I'd not be alive and here. There are things I regret and things I wouldn't change for anything. I'm learning to let the regrets go. I have so many plans and ideas, but my main goal is to grow more in Christ. I want to walk with confidence, to let go of the past, to look to the prize, by the power of the cross. I want to be more active in my ministry... I finished writing the poetry for The Promised Rainbow (originally known as Rainbow Slices ) and now, I'm going to work on illustrations for it...
I am very tired of procrastinating... so, I'm aiming to finish my homeschool, to finish a novel, to publish something, to see friends... I want to use my scars… Read More
These past few months have been difficult for me and my family. For me, it has been the anniversary of several years of regret... For the family as a whole, it has been hectic. Not just with the coming of Christmas and New Years... What with my mum preparing for college and my daddy doing his thing with art... We are having high stresses... Each night is a battle, each day a war with addictions and shame. I haven't been much use for my family. I know this. And though I have tried so hard to measure up to my own expectations of what a good daughter SHOULD be... I must say I am failing miserably. I keep falling into depression, which leads me into falling prey to my lust and self injury habits. I talk back to my daddy, and regret it almost instantly... Even before daddy makes a… Read More
It's that time of year. People all over FB have been posting what they are thankful for. Some are the normal things like family, children, jobs, etc. We are supposed to be thankful these things. Me? Well, I'm thankful for my husband, for my children, for the opportunities I've been afforded in my life, my church, my job, and for my Christ. These are things I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for the autumn wind, and the colors of the leaves on the trees, and a place to live, and food to eat, and friends
I also have some pretty abnormal things to be thankful for, and if you don't have to be thankful for these things, that's so wonderful, and I'm thankful for that as well.
I'm thankful that my daughter hasn't gotten involved in drugs, or sex, or illegal activities, because so many children with mental illness… Read More
Last week I wrote about how the drama from my mentally ill daughter was affecting me. It was truth, and it was the nitty-gritty aspect of being in a family with someone with mental illness. However, I have to say that my post, although true, was written in such a way that it hurt my daughter. There are certainly aspects of the disease that are devastating to a family, but I want to emphasize that the characteristics of the mental illness that she suffers from is not her fault. She didn't ask to have this malady thrust upon her. And although stability is part of her responsibility, there are outside forces that dominate her ability to work on stability.
When my husband or I think about running away, there is more than just each other or our youngest daughter keeping us from doing so. There is also the… Read More
Sometimes, in my daydreams, I fantasize about having children that are productive members of society: college graduates, productive job, living their own life in their own place. I'm ashamed to tell you this. By now I should have expunged those dreams from my mind and my vocabulary. I should be relishing the fact that I get to commune with my children for a little while longer. I should realize that the older two need me right now, especially my daughter. I long for a peaceful home that doesn't have drama everyday. Sometimes the drama gets very old. I know that my husband would like to walk out of the situation. It can be so hard for him to bear. Honestly, I feel that way sometimes. Lots of things keep both of us here. Mostly each other, and our youngest child. I look at the situation, and I feel like I'm… Read More